separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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