I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
