I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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