she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
