I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
