Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
