i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
