I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
