ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
