I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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