Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She needs sedatives and a leash
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
