There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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