I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
