Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
