Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
