when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
