Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
