just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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