when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
