I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
