Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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