Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
