i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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