I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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