Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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