i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
