fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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