I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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