Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
