Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
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Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
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I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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