Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
