I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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