So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
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it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
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Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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