I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
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Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
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Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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