Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is it penis luge time yet?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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