Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
