Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
