I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
