i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
