Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize