I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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