Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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