I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
