i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
