i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Randomize
