I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
