____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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