It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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