Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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