The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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