Sponge bath it is.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
