it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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