I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
