dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
