So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you win again, gameday.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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