I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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